I will always be a mom who waits.

I came to this realization as I walked the aisles at a local pharmacy, lost in thought, waiting for a prescription to be filled.

I looked around the store, jam packed with toiletries, vitamins, tissues, and snacks. My eye zoomed in on a pregnancy test. Emotions instantly flooded my entire body- not because I was pregnant or even thinking about it, but because, I remembered the excitement, the pure ignorance, the sheer happiness I felt when I took a test the very first time I suspected that I was pregnant.

Those times seem so foreign to me now. I had no idea or connection to the fact that miscarriage would touch upon our lives. I had no idea that rare disease would be a part of our every day.

Those times were simpler, and so, so, innocent. Sometimes, if I am being honest with myself- I miss those days.

I knew that these things existed, obviously, but did not have a strong connection or understanding. I had empathy for those who suffered, but did not truly understand their lives…until it became my own.

Before my first child, Noah, was born, I had a miscarriage. It altered the way I viewed life, pregnancy, and motherhood, in general.

How could this happen to me? What did I do wrong? Was this my fault?

And there I was…worried about how my next pregnancies would unfold. I was waiting to feel confident enough to become pregnant again.

I waited for the arrival of this child, holding my breath, and crossing my fingers every step of the way.

 A healthy baby boy was born, and in hindsight, I wish I savored every moment because I was naïve to how “easy” we had it. I had no idea that the anxious or post-partum feelings that I experienced, were minimal compared to what I felt after Hailey’s arrival.

I remember waiting for Noah to reach certain milestones, little did I know, my second child would have me on my toes, waiting and waiting, and waiting.

When Hailey was born, I waited.

 I waited for people to believe me.

 I waited for doctor appointments.

 I waited for answers.

I waited for her therapies to pay off. I waited for her to catch up to her peers. I waited to accept our reality, her diagnosis, and for a time when I would feel at peace with all that stood in our way.

Time continues to moves forward, yet at times, I feel as though I am waiting to move along with it. There are times when I am standing still, waiting to push on.

Now, I wait. I wait for the day Hailey lifts her head with confidence and 100 percent control. I wait for her devices and equipment to help her move, literally, physically, and emotionally.

I wait for the day a cure is found.

Until then, we wait. But while we wait, we continue to trust that science, hope, and prayer is on our side.

2 thoughts on “Waiting”

  1. So beautiful, real, relatable, deep and profound… We keep waiting but at the same time…let us not stop to smell the roses as difficult as that may be😘

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