I haven’t written in a while, which is funny because there are so many heavy thoughts swirling around in my head, yet the words haven’t surfaced until now.
It has been quite a whirlwind. We have had some really good times with our friends and family, but I have also been in a somewhat different headspace.
A good friend told me that I am so positive all the time, but of course there will be moments when I feel things and they may seem so much heavier and it is absolutely necessary and ok to feel those things.
Last weekend, there were many posts of adorable dance recitals. Little girls all dressed up in their tutus, pictures with their families, smiling with their proud parents.
When I set up Hailey’s nursery before she was born with ballerinas and delicately placed images of little girls twirling around, I didn’t expect that Hailey wouldn’t be partaking in that activity. I hesitated when picking out her décor because of course, I had not met her yet and didn’t want to presume that she would even like the idea. While I know that not every little girl dances or yearns to, and that is ok, it felt like Hailey’s choice to make that decision was taken away when her ability to move without ease became apparent.
I of course don’t know what the future holds for her, but being in the present moment, it feels daunting and heavy. Will she be able to dance? Will I be a mother sitting proudly in the audience snapping shots of her pirouetting on stage?
While my happiness exists for others and it is beautiful to see the growing families around us with so many wonderful celebrations, it would be anything from the truth if no one admitted that they didn’t feel sad for themselves.
I gave myself permission to feel. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt enraged. I felt disappointed. I felt robbed. I gave myself two days. I cried. I got it off my chest.
I put my smile back on for my kids.
After those two days were up, I decided it was time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it.
Hailey is getting older, and it is harder. The differences among Hailey and her peers are growing much more obvious. While it is excruciatingly difficult watching Hailey attempt to pull herself up into sitting position, or keep her head stable, I have to remember, this is not happening to me. This is Hailey and she is the one physically struggling. But is she crying? Is she angry? Is she disappointed?
She is happy. She smiles. She giggles. She sees me and her eyes light up with pure joy.
It is in those reminders that show me how a two-year-old child has more strength than her own mother. But it is from these reminders and daily lessons that my baby girl is teaching me, that is also allowing me to find the inner strength to be the strongest mom to the strongest girl I know. I have also learned that strength does not come from your body- it is buried within our very soul and those who can find that strength are the ones who we should all be learning from.
If you are ever feeling weak, take a look at Hailey and how she overcomes her struggles every day with her smiling eyes, her toothy grin, and her innocent giggle.