Sitting in the passenger seat, pivoting my body and head towards the window, so the hot, wet tears could fall down my cheeks in private. Holding my breath so that the subdued sobs felt deep within my chest lay hidden, away from my children and husband.
“How Long Will I love You? As Long as Stars are above you, and longer If I can…” Ellie Goulding’s voice and lyrics belted out in the background of our car.
I was physically present, but in another world, lost in thought.
Where had I drifted to? Why was I in this mythical place?
This week had been so good- full of milestones and celebrations for both of our children. A fun week full of love, praise, and joyous moments.
But all it takes is a song lyric, a sentence spoken by a stranger, or an intrusive thought entering a mostly optimistic headspace.
Another child on the playground, intrigued by a human smaller than he. His mother remarks, “Look at that cute baby. Say hi to the baby.”
Thanks, but she is not a baby. She is a toddler. She will be 2 in February. She should be toddling around with her brother; with the others. Instead, she is stuck in her stroller or bound to our arms. If only the internal dialogue was spoken aloud.
An eye opening moment. She has made such wonderful strides recently, but I found myself stuck focusing on the things she “can’t‘ instead of “can.”
I looked at her, smiling while she watched the other kids playing. She was happy. Her toothy grin beamed and her giggle drifted through the breeze. She was happy. She was content.
But I was not. I know she was happy in those moments but she deserves better and she deserves more.
Today was hard. The perfect mixture of being an emotional individual, “the Sunday Scaries,” and the general feeling of the unknowns.
It feels important to share the truth.It is not always easy. Sometimes, like our children, we need a good cry.
One thing that always stands true in these strange and uncomfortable moments, is the comfort of knowing that our love for our children knows no limits and has no bounds. As long as the stars are above you, I will love you, my children.